We were the seasons together. Like roses, we bloomed with sophistication.
I trace my palm and remember our shared memories together.
I know this because I’ve felt it before.
It’s you all over again.
But there is the now.
Now is different.
Back then, I used to inhale the icy fog that surrounds us and exhale the things my emotions dictate me. How did I manage to treat you below zero degrees while having fragments of falling feelings for you? Crazy. One of them tells me that we were lucky to have each other, although “have” isn’t really the word for us. The truth is, there was never an ‘us’. But we had something for each other, something that was ours and something to fight for.
I can still clearly recall the weeks I kept avoiding you. My dilemma was swirling in an unending haze and I was caught up in it. I want you, but it seems complicated. When we pass each other at the halls, your eyes won’t set mine free. That’s when you do it. Your ‘look of home’. I felt guilty at my silent treatment, but hell, I wanted to snuggle up in your arms. Your sincerity, your protectiveness, and the look you used to give me when you were hiding your jealousy. Those are the things that I keep glued to my mind after all this time up to now when I stop and stare at you without you noticing.
But now, you have her.
I know you guys love each other, so I’ll pass.
However, I’m still thankful for the summer embers you ignited me with. Now I know that I can soar and touch the clouds. I know that someday I’ll miss your presence but when that time comes, you won’t be here with me. You’ll be with her. You’re the curtains that brush against my skin on a windy day. Once you touched my heart and felt my soul, you’re ready to leave.
But thank you. You became my hardest goodbye unexpectedly. Someday I’ll grow a garden out of all the seeds you planted upon me, and the seeds we planted together. And by the time everything is less complicated, I am never going to let you go again.
(painting by Clare Elsaesser)